


Help I'm Alive

by Androfirestrike



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Depression, F/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-29
Updated: 2015-01-29
Packaged: 2018-03-09 12:40:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3250046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Androfirestrike/pseuds/Androfirestrike
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dolores Trevelyan is kindness but she is also despair.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Help I'm Alive

She sees his smile and hears his laugh and, oh Maker, she is smitten.

She didn't even think she was that funny. Or pretty. Or smart. Or talented. Or lovable. Who was she kidding, she barely even thought of herself. Dolores Trevelyan is the Inquisitor. She is the Herald. She is the chosen one. But she can't see any of that. All she sees is an empty, hollow shell of a girl who used to be.

She does not tell any of the Inquisition about her predicament or her mental state. She does not need their worry, in fact if they worried about her she would only feel worse. She doesn't think she is worthy of being worried over. No one from what she can tell can expect anything, except Cole. Cole knew, but Dolores was ok with that. There was no way she could have hidden it from him. Cole wanted to help her, even, but she dismissed it every time he brought it up.

_Stabbing pain in her side. Her face cold on the tiled floor. The other mages look at her with disdain whenever she walks the halls. She is treated better than them, they are envious. Stab. Stab. Her nails dig into her flesh. She wants to die, to take her own life but she cannot. She will not. She speaks out to anyone who can hear her, “There has to be a purpose, right?” There is a purpose. There is meaning. Don't you see, Inquisitor? Don't you..._

_Enough, Cole._

The words are sharp, not like the usual lavender and honey she speaks with. She is kindness just like Cole but unlike him she is also despair and she cannot heal and she does not know why and, oh, does she want to know why. She does not want to be sad but the thoughts won't stop.

She thought being the Inquisitor would make her happier but it does not. She thought having friends would ease her pain but now she is only burdened with more anxiety and worry.

_I must protect them. I must not fail them. I must live. I must seal it. I have to. It is my job._

But she sees his smile and hears his laugh and she never knew herself to be funny, or this happy. She never knew what this had ever felt like and, oh please Maker, let her stay this way. Please let her be happy.

_Black hair in his palms, fingers looped around his neck. She feels his stubble against her chin and his lips against her own. She is in Heaven. She is with him. “But do I deserve this?” She asks herself. Yes, Inquisitor, yes you..._

_Cole, please stop._

She does not want help. She wants to deal with her demons her way no matter how unhealthy it may be. She has not fallen to possession. She is still alive, still a mage and still human. She can resist demons. She can resist her other urges.

But she cannot resist him. He is contagious and she is in love.

Love. What does it mean? What does it mean to love yourself and be loved in return? Maybe, perhaps. Cullen could teach her – teach her what's just so nice and appealing about her and why she matters. But she feels bad about thinking that way. She should figure it out herself. She can figure out how to love herself. She does not need his help.

_Tears stream down her face. He brushes a hot stream of water from her eye, “Please tell me what's wrong, please.” He is pleading. He just wants her to make sense. He knows, he's always known and suddenly she is ashamed. But Inquisitor, your pain is his pain. You knew this. You've always known this from the first time your lips brushed against his and..._

_I know, Cole. He cares deeply for me, as I him._

_He kisses her lips and as he backs away a flood of tears and words flow out of her mouth. He finally knows. Finally someone knows. He does not judge her. She thinks he does. He does not. Her body feels like it's on fire with every one of his touches. She feels alive. Are you happy, Inquistor?_

_I don't know, Cole. Is anybody ever truly happy?_

_Yes._

_You already know the answer to your original question._

_You needed to hear yourself say it._

Dolores does not know what happy is. She does not know how to be happy. But she is trying to learn. She is trying to become what she keeps telling herself she cannot be. She can be happy. She can.

Cullen looks at her fluttering eye lids. She too has nightmares just like him. He wonders what they are about. What plagues her so much? What makes her so sad? Why does she worry so much? He has so many questions.

She has questions, too. But she also has an answer.

Sometimes we're just sad. Sometimes there's no reason.

_Are you happy, Inquisitor?_

_Yes, Cole, I'm happy today._

_Good._

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired partly by my own bouts with depression and that whole mindset that other people have when you're like "I'm sad" and you don't have a reason and people just don't understand. I've been really better recently and I hope any of y'all reading this feel better too. Hope all my fellow Dragon Age fans feel awesome all the time because we deserve it. :)


End file.
